THE BASICS

There are two important components in managing distress well:

1. Developing Strength - Building up your “distress tolerance muscle”—i.e. so that stressors will feel subjectively less distressing, less heavy.
2. Finding Solace - Having effective coping skills—so that you know how to find solace and take breaks from stressors when needed.

Building our ability to manage distress is like building muscles. If, for example, we lift a 25 lb. weight for 10 reps each day, eventually a 30 lb. weight will subjectively feel like the 25 lb. weight used to feel—because the muscles are now stronger. However, if we start by doing reps with a 200 lb. weight, we may tear the muscles. Similarly, if we start by lifting a 25 lb. weight for 1000 reps each day, we may also tear the muscles. To build our muscles, we need to be mindful of both the heaviness of the weight and the number of reps being engaged in.

Notably, if we do not use our arm at all—if we never lift any weight—the muscles will atrophy, becoming weaker and weaker. If we go this route, eventually a 5 lb. weight will subjectively feel like the 25 lb. weight used to feel. This is one reason why avoiding stressors is ill-thought. Doing so would only make us weak, fearful, and ineffective.

When it comes to stressors, it can be useful to rate our experience of the distress subjectively, on a 1-10 scale (1 being no distress, and 10 being PTSD-level distress). If we experience a 6/10 level of distress or lower, it can be beneficial to merely allow the distress. Even better, we can be fully present with it. That is, we can allow ourselves to notice the thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations that occur during the distress. Here, we don’t have to have an opinion on the distress, or act on the distress—but merely observe it. When we do this, it is metaphorically like lifting the 25 lb. weight for 10 reps; we build our “distress tolerance muscle.”

However, if we are experiencing 8/10 or 9/10 levels of distress, this may be too much. During such moments, we will want to use healthy and adaptive coping skills, alongside asking for help and support, in order to avoid “tearing the muscles.” Here, 9/10 levels of distress are equivalent to lifting the 200 lb. weight. Similarly, if we are experiencing 6/10 levels of distress continually throughout each day and each week, this can also be too much. This is the metaphorical equivalent of lifting a 25 lb. weight 1000 reps per day. Such an exercise will overexert the muscles and damage them. Again, repetitive distress requires us to use healthy and adaptive coping skills, alongside asking for help and support. We need breaks from the lifting.